jenny's belly

1 year

We quietly passed my one-year since diagnosis, which was July 22nd. I didn't celebrate, but definitely marked the occasion. It both feels like it just happened, and also like its always been this way. I had a doctor say to me yesterday, "This was probably your toughest year, huh?" Well, yes, unless you count that year I had a really hard trigonometry test.

There's a 16 year old in the news right now who decided he doesn't want to go through chemotherapy anymore, but the courts are forcing him. I think it must be because the judge in his case sees enough reason for him to go through treatments. Like, maybe doctors have good reason that he'd survive. I can understand some people who have been through years and years of treatments who decide they just don't want to continue anymore. But this kid was diagnosed last year, and said he doesn't want to continue because he would throw up and didn't feel well. Um... So instead he's eating organically. That's just great. The kid is going to Mexico for his treatments. Because if I had my cancer return, I'd also go to a 3rd world country and reject years of scientific discovery. Look, there's constant nausea. Sometimes you don't think you can continue. You throw up, you have diahrreah, you're weak, you can't think straight. But you do it, just like every other patient, because its your best bet for survival.

I have a CT scan next week, then see my oncologist the following week. I also have an appointment with my gastroenterologist because I've been getting lots of pain when I eat. I'm guessing something isn't quite right and hopefully there's some kind of drug that can fix it. It really sucks to want to curl into the fetal position at work. "How are you?" "Great! owwwwww..."

So this week is my 2nd week going full-time. Its not been easy. I am really tired mid-afternoon. I don't take a lunch break away from my desk because I'm afraid I won't have the energy to continue the day. But it makes for a REALLY long day. About 2:30-3:00 I've really had it. I was able to go off my sleeping meds I have been on for a LONG time, but obviously I should probably go back on them again (it's 3:30am). I just tossed and turned and finally got up. Hopefully now that I have 2-1/2 hrs left before I have to get up again I can get some kind of sleep...

posted by Jen at 3:38 AM