jenny's belly

Pity Party

My mother just went to bed as I was getting up. We're becoming weird people (well, more strange than usual). The dogs are exhausted ("Don't you people sleep?"). I kind of sleep whenever I want. I have very little energy which is upsetting because this is my "I feel good" time. I've got this on the calendar as chemo-free and time when I can do things and... my body is still reminding me it had poison pumped into it recently.

I had a little Jen pity-party this evening, and I'm glad only my mom had to attend. I didn't fall apart or anything, but I had that realization that I have stuffed far, far back in my brain pop out again: I'm only 30 and should be out having fun like other 30 year olds. Having drinks with friends, laughing too loud, thinking about my career and where I'm headed in life. I'm on such a diverted path, and when I think about it it's very depressing. I just sit at the kitchen counter with my shoulders hunched down and my face resting on my wrist. And my mom just *knows* as moms do that something isn't right. And I have this position a lot now so it could be anything from tired to nausea to self-pity.

Basically, I woke up from my afternoon nap deciding my quality of life sucks. A shopping trip for me now means one store and I've got to take a nap right afterwards. I can't eat anything without it hurting. I've discovered I can't eat chocolate--at all. The steel shards in my stomach aren't worth it.

I can't even sleep normally. I'm up early now because I couldn't get my pillows right. I love getting clean sheets each week but it seriously disrupts the pillow barrier wall and ramp system that takes me days to construct. Too tall and I'm at a 45 degree angle, too low and I'll get reflux. I just gave up. I didn't go to bed tonight until 1:00am so I really just took a nap.

And I saw pink tic tacs in 7-11 this evening. That's right, breath mints to beat breast cancer. UGH. Why can't these companies just donate the money? Why must they make it seem like they're actually going to track how many pink tic tac boxes were purchased?

posted by Jen at 4:39 AM