Some Advice
I wouldn't know what to say if any of my friends or family dropped a bomb like "I have cancer" the way I did. I found a neat site which might help if you're not sure what to say to me.There are some people who have seemingly fallen off the face of the earth. I'm not sure why, except maybe because they don't know how to talk to me anymore. I hope by reading my blog you're able to see that I'm basically the same as always. I still have my crazy sense of humor though it almost never comes across in THIS forum.
I've said to a lot of people that there is no WRONG thing you can say to me, but actually there are some things. I don't want to speak for other cancer patients/survivors but these are really my only two pointers.
--> The old "you'll be fine" is too dismissive. It quite possibly is the equivalent of saying "you can have another" to a woman who has miscarried a baby.
--> Don't do the sad face with head tilt (aka "the pity look"). It will ruin anything even remotely compassionate you have to say.
You shouldn't have to tip-toe around cancer patients. We're actually stronger than we were before the cancer diagnosis. I might be able to take on the world once I get the reflux under control. :)
I established from day ONE that there would be no whispering about me behind my back. That was the deal with getting full-disclosure. So the thing to do is just ask questions if you have any, and don't worry about saying something wrong.
posted by Jen at
12:23 AM
8 comment(s):
When do you post these things? 4:00 am?
By
Anonymous, at
10/09/2005 12:23 PM
when in doubt, just say"HOW ABOUT THOSE PATRIOTS"
By
Anonymous, at
10/09/2005 5:28 PM
I am up at all hours and sleep better in the day than at night. So really, when the time says 4:00am it means I was typing at 4:00am. Strangely, I'm almost never awake at 4:00pm.
That's during my naptime. :)
How 'bout those patriots!!! :)
By
Jen, at
10/09/2005 7:27 PM
Thanks for this post. I have a chronic illness, so some of what you say is familiar. But I have a friend who was diagnosed with cancer this spring and sometimes I just don't know what to say. Your post reminded me that compassion and love are very different than pity.
-Kerrie
By
Anonymous, at
10/09/2005 8:22 PM
Hey Dahling . . .
How about
" I had a bad case of heartburn last night and all I could do was think of you . . " and offer it up in hopes that God would knock off some of yours in exchange for my burps . . it's true!
Linda
PS I can't remember my blogger password . . . so it never says "Linda said . . . "
By
Anonymous, at
10/09/2005 10:14 PM
in my family, i never know what to say. it is almost weird. i want to ask my dad questions, but i feel like he has to focus on it enough as it is. and i just feel like i should talk about something else "to lighten the mood" which feels totally unnatural as well. i like that you told everyone how to approach you, perhaps we should have a family pow-wow about this.
thanks for the advice.
and for hosting the next edition of real cancer/real lives.
sending good thoughts your way.
By
Anonymous, at
10/10/2005 12:34 AM
I love your posts Fitz, you absolutely crack me up.
So, you asked for it:
Things NOT to say to a cancer patient
1. C'mon, suck it up ya baby.
2. Yeah right you have cancer, and I'm the pope.
3. I don't know anyone who has survived cancer.
4. Maybe I have it too, then.
5. I am having just the worst day in my life... can you believe I broke a nail?
hehehe :)
By
Jen, at
10/10/2005 1:26 PM
Everyone gets to the spam blocking thing, even me. I was getting sick of deleting ads from this and the other 2 blogs I "manage".
I'm sorry that it's annoying but it's the only thing they offer to stop spam posts!
What's worse than wanting a PB sundae? Being close to a billion Friendlys but not being able to go for it because chocolate upsets the ulcer. ARRHGHGH!!!
By
Jen, at
10/10/2005 10:10 PM
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