CT Scan: All Clear
I had a CT scan yesterday and was suprised to get the results a week early. My mom and I reacted very differently to the news. The doctor said there was no cancer on the scan and my mom hugged him. All I heard is that I have two unidentified things on my liver and I have an enlarged lymph node near my esophagus.I know I should be happy. Over the moon. I'm just not.
I don't feel like I got an "all clear" even though I did. As mom said, if my doctor isn't immediately concerned, then I shouldn't be. But then if I'm not concerned about my body, who will be? The good news is that I have another scan in 3 months, and likely 6 months after that. So they can keep looking at these THINGS. I did not expect to hear about anything at all, which is maybe why I'm reacting the way I am.
I'll have to schedule day surgery in April to get my port-a-cath removed (!!) and I'll have to get another endoscopy. I guess that's part of it... it's not "over" for me yet. Everyone else can maybe breathe a sigh of relief but I'm not feeling it yet. I suppose these things take time.
I'll have to go back every two weeks for awhile to keep getting shots for my blood. I got the shot for red yesterday. My whites are dropping but I haven't had to get a shot for awhile.
I'm not dealing with the change from patient to non-patient very well. Not surprisingly they have a billion programs for women recovering from breast cancer ("How to rejoin life") but nothing for anyone else. I'm not afraid to move on, I just don't know HOW. I'm in limbo. Not a patient anymore, but not prepared to scale tall buildings yet, either.
Well, I'm going to call to set up my physical therapy now. I guess that's one thing I have control over! :)
posted by Jen at
2:10 PM
8 comment(s):
I'm with Lisa and your mom...YAY!!!!
I can understand that you would be apprehensive to feel any kind of relief when they can't tell you the scan is 100% clear. But, the important thing *today* is that there was no sign of cancer on your scan.
It's going to take time for you to let your guard down. I think even if they came back and said your scan was all clear, your guard would still be up. It's like you said, it's hard for you to believe it will never come back. I couldn't possibly know how you are feeling, but I certainly can understand the fear. Eventually it will dissipate. Until then, tackle it day by day just as you have been so valiantly. And definitely focus on this cruise coming up....the sun and the ocean are calling your name.
By
Anonymous, at
3/16/2006 3:31 PM
See, this is why its good to have a blog. I have friends reminding me I received *GOOD NEWS*. And I DO need to be reminded!!! :)
By
Jen, at
3/16/2006 4:12 PM
SWEEEET!!! Life is good, my friend! And as long as they will be monitoring your condition going forward, YOU should start looking forward. And start packing...I can smell that sunscreen right now!!
By
Anonymous, at
3/16/2006 5:49 PM
Dear Jen -
I hope that doctor is still breathing because I'm sure it was a helluva hug!! :)
Seriously, Jen you have been through a very traumatic experience and are still feeling the effects. . . I'm sure if you felt 1000 percent and could jump and kick your heels (think leprechaun here) your relief would still be coupled with a little apprehension . . . my guess is your reaction is 2000 percent normal.
You have worked very hard to manage your illness and you are almost finished with that fulltime 'job.' Woo hoo!
. . . Smile, take it one day at a time and rest up for your vacation!
love and a hug for you (and your mom and dad)!
cousin linder
By
Anonymous, at
3/16/2006 10:40 PM
You do indeed have some good friends and family on this site and I agree with them.
When I first read your "All Clear" entry, a whole bunch of thoughts jumped to mind and I immediately clicked on the comments page to start writing.
The things is, by the time I read everyone else's comments, I saw that they had said most of what I was burning to say. (Well done, FOJ! - that would be Friends of Jen as well as Family of Jen).
Now for the part about which I feel I have a special understanding. I, too, have had many scans at Dana Farber. Trust me, they almost always come back with little "things" that they discover. When this first happened to me, I was completely freaked out. They pretty much had to talk me down off the roof. In my case it was a tiny spot on my lung. My LUNG! After I pressed them on what it was and I'm sure gave them the impression that I was near nervous breakdown, they took the time to talk to me and explain that almost all CAT Scans will find "abnormalities". Couple that with how precise Dana Farber is in reading these reports and you're gonna get findings. The same scan read by your average hospital may well have given a report that said "all clear" but not the DF folks!
My lung thing hasn't changed in a couple of years and no one (except me secretly every now and then :-) is the least bit concerned about it.
Anyway, I'm rambling and I'm sure you get the point. You have, in fact, gotten the news we all wanted you to get - no cancer found. Based on my experience, all the FOJ are right, it will sink in and you will keep getting better and feeling better.
Congratulations!
Now go enjoy your cruise. :-)
By
Anonymous, at
3/17/2006 9:34 AM
I know I am a little belated Jen but I, too, wanted to say congrats on the Cancer-clear scan! Yeahhhh! As for the lymph node and liver things, just think of all that your body has been through. It could just be your liver reacting to ALL the meds and chemicals it has had to process recently; there has been quite a lot. Your lymph system could just be reacting as well. How often do people get swollen glands with the common cold, etc.
Have a relaxing few weeks, start PT, and enjoy yourself. I am so pleased to hear your good news! Take care! Love, Kelly
By
Anonymous, at
3/18/2006 8:53 AM
Jen, GREAT NEWS!!! You are now officially a survivor! Unfortunately I have to welcome you into the "we just have to wait and see" club, which is a very frustrating club to join. It's going to be the hardest thing to try and get your mind past your fears but it WILL happen. Eventually you'll be able to reach a compromise with yourself. Just hang in there 'til you do. It's kinda like when someone tells you not to think of the word elephant, and that's ALL you can think of. The harder you TRY to forget the harder it IS to forget. I suppose laying on a chaise on the top deck will help keep your mind off it! Maybe a little umbrella drink? Or three? A cabin boy? Or three? Maybe you could think of the cabin boy instead of the elephant. Or maybe you and the cabin boy can go for an elephant ride along the beach. Maybe you should try not to think of the word horse. I think it will have the same effect, and it'll be easier to ride than an elephant. Not to mention trying to stow it away on board the cruise ship.
Oh, and I hate to burst your bubble, but the only things you can control in physical therapy are the appointment times. Those people can be brutal, and you'll be doing things you never thought you could do (or wanted to, for that matter!). But it's all worth it. And tough as the therapists are, they are good people and really want you to do well. But I swear if you whine too much they make you do things just because they can. One caveat - be prepared for the ice-pack-in-the-wet-pillow-case trick. I didn't think anything could feel colder than frozen!
Again, GREAT NEWS! and thanks for sharing!
PS to Dan
I think that "thing" on your scan is the remnant of that Spaghetti-O you inhaled when you were three.
By
Anonymous, at
3/19/2006 3:23 PM
That's not true!
...it was a Cheerio.
By
Anonymous, at
3/20/2006 9:02 AM
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