Settle Down
Mom has gone into clean sweep mode and is starting to toss old chemotherapy papers and has segregatated medications I'm not taking anymore into a bag in the closet. I CAN'T BEAR IT! I won't let her throw the meds out because I might need them (no I won't) and what if I need those papers (I won't) at some point in the future?I had my doctors appointment yesterday where I was able to ask-- "What are the odds that you'll see anything on the CT scan?" I really needed to hear the answer that he'll be very surprised. We can't rule it out, but c'mon. The surgeon cut it all out so all I've been through was to make sure stray cells were killed and to hopefully clean out my lymphatic system. I had two lymph nodes with cancer meaning it was starting to move but really hadn't yet.
And I was talking with mom over dinner tonight- in my heart of hearts, I honestly can't believe I'll never get cancer again. I don't think its an unusual feeling for cancer patients to have, but I'm only 31. Most people don't get cancer until they're 50, 60 or so. And if I'm clean for 10 years, they'll stop checking me! GASP! Maybe I can insist they keep checking me. Maybe the paranoia will wear off.
My doctor also told me to cut myself some slack. Its only been 2 weeks since I stopped chemo and the drugs are still in me. He said in 2-3 weeks I can start trying to "push myself" but not yet. Another anxiety I've been carrying around... I should be DOING more but I CAN'T. And now I know, I shouldn't be doing more. Settle down, freak. I really need to hear these things from the doctor. Its so hard to really know what to do. :)
posted by Jen at
7:02 PM
4 comment(s):
Jen,
I just saw that you included me in your blog the other day. I got really excited when my roommate, who is running the whole Relay for Life here at school told me that there was going to be one here in April. The first thing I thought of was you! I was touched with the words that you said in your blog about my participation in the relay and I had no idea that it would mean that much to you. Keep in touch. If you need anything at all I'm always here. Keep smiling :)
XOXO,
Ali
Here is the link for my relay website: https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=125064&lis=0&kntae125064=5BCBB72C90064A81816223960CE096A9&supId=120978880
By
Anonymous, at
3/10/2006 12:24 AM
Are you saying that "they" are saying you are done? through? over? or at least most likely over? Am I reading this correctly? So like, you won?!?!?!?
Awesome.
Really?
I can certainly imagine how strange these thoughts are to you, it'll take us all a while to adjust too.
Can't wait to hear the docs' final word on this matter. For now, contrats!
Jenn Crane
By
Anonymous, at
3/10/2006 8:27 AM
Well, congrats on being finished! It does take awhile to get back to 'normal' -- I started to feel better about three or four months after completing chemo (it may have happened sooner had it not been for a bad cold and then a really bad hospitalization-requiring infection that I got). But it took a good year and a half, maybe two before I actually thought to myself 'Hey! I feel good again!'
That might sound daunting (a year and a half of feeling like crap!) but it shouldn't. It wasn't that I felt terrible during that time, I felt 'normal' but it wasn't like how I felt pre-cancer. I don't know if I will ever feel like I did pre-cancer, but I feel pretty damn close. And that's a good thing.
So welcome to the other side, may your stay here be forever.
By
Anonymous, at
3/10/2006 1:19 PM
It does take awhile to feel normal. And everybody does it differently. Some people have to walk away from all things cancer related. Some people have to stay in touch with the community that formed.
Do what you need to do for you!
By
Maureen McHugh, at
3/10/2006 10:02 PM
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