Gimme a break, doc
I got the results from last week's CT scan, and Fabian (my enlarged lymph node) is the same as before, but this time my doctor mentioned that my ovaries are "decreasing." What the F?!? First he said "increasing" and mentioned "lesion" but then he said both were decreasing, which was better than increasing. I throw my hands up. My doctor is determined to scare the hell out of me. At least he didn't mention the cysts on my liver this time. I know they're still there, but he didn't point out a size differential or anything. Grrrrrr. Wait, why did he said "lesion" in relation to my ovaries? Honestly--I don't want to know.I got home from my appointment to find he had called while I was on my way home, and he wanted me to page him. I checked the clock--6:20. I left his office at 5pm and he called me at 6pm. I had a mild heart attack and couldn't say anything, I just looked at my mother. All I could think of was that he misread my CT scan. Then my Aunt Jo or my mother mentioned that not all of my bloodwork was back when I'd seen him, so likely he was calling about my blood. Okay, but that's STILL bad because he's never called me about my blood. Or about anything before.
And when he called me back 10 minutes later (an eternity!) he said my bloodwork had come back with an abnormally low blood sugar count, and unless I was feeling dizzy and lightheaded and just didn't mention it to him, he was planning on letting the lab know they miscalculated something. Relief. Relief. Breathe again...
I talked to him about my overwhelming anxiety and the fact that I'm starting to get insomnia again after a few weeks of normal sleep patterns. He acknowledged that my life is anxiety-filled and with good reason, "you've been through an awful lot" which is the understatement of the year. But its like I've got more anxiety now that I'm feeling better. When I was sick, I didn't have the energy. He gave me a script for ambien. I can join the legions of people eating and driving in their sleep!
I hired an athletic trainer today to get some personal training for a few hours next week. I was caught doing something half-right with a free weight and decided it would be for the best. His parting words to me were "I'll tire you out (which anyone can do, frankly) but I won't kill you." I said, "hey, if chemotherapy didn't kill me, I don't think YOU can." But between you and me, working out for an hour will probably do me in. I already take a nap after working out 1/2 hour or walking for 45 min. And as I told my mother and my doctor, if I could SLEEP AT NIGHT maybe I wouldn't need to take my NAPS!
Well, time to take my night-time pills and hit the hay. My tea is getting cold...
posted by Jen at
10:39 PM
7 comment(s):
If it comforts any, I think I know how you feel. The unfortunate bit, though, is that I haven't the foggiest idea what either of us can do about it...
I can tell you that it does get better with time but I'd be lying if I said I don't have a bit of a panic attack starting, oh, say a month before my yearly check-ups that ends, oh, say a month later.
I don't think there is any silver bullet answer. Instead, there's just all the little annoying things they tell you to try. Grouped together, stuff like the survivor's group, relaxation response, eating well, exercise, getting back to work, and the simple passage of time will help. Things will get better.
Still, once you've been where we've been, I think you lose the comforting "Things like that don't happen to me" veneer that other folks get to enjoy.
....oh, and good luck with the sleep eating and sleep driving :-)
By
Anonymous, at
4/25/2006 10:34 AM
Glad to hear that you survived your MD appt. and that the doctor didn't call you with any horrific news. I can only image the dread you must feel with each test and appt.- it only stands to reason.
With any luck, the anxiety will start to subside with time, sleep, and routine. I wish I had something comforting to offer but I don't. Dan's advice seems sound and I do hope it gets better with time.
Thinking of you, Kelly
P.S. Alex is having his adnoids out and a tube placed in his left ear. He cannot wait; he thinks he will be like an astronaut with a gas mask and tank! He also thinks he'll just be a little late for afternoon kindergarten that day. . . He is SO funny. He always puts a smile on our faces. Maybe an "Alex story" will put a smile on yours. Take care!
By
Anonymous, at
4/25/2006 3:55 PM
Dan- You always know just what to say to put things into perspective for me.
Kelly- I had my tonsils and adnoids out when I was 4 and remember it all vividly! Please tell Alex we're in the same "club". :)
And thanks to both of you for always cheering me up and reminding me I have the greatest friends a person could ask for!
By
Jen, at
4/25/2006 11:29 PM
I don't have much of anything useful to add but I STILL can not believe how funny you can be with this whole thing. I just love ya Jen. You are so awesome.
That's all.
Carry on. I hope you are having some better sleep . . at night, not while driving and eating. :)
Jenn Crane
By
Anonymous, at
4/26/2006 9:35 PM
It makes me quite happy to think I've been helpful.
Yup, looking back, pretending I had cancer so I could weasel my way onto this blog and be given lots of praise was a really great idea. :-)
Now I'm off to the other blogs that I frequent, using random fake names and stories.
Today, I think young Migel is going to be brutally honest - yet fair -with the folks at billys-rockin-poetryjam.blogspot.com.
(Note: if there really is a billys-rockin-poetryjam website, please don't take offense. I meant no insult to you ...though your blog does have a pretty weak name, dude.)
By
Anonymous, at
4/27/2006 12:19 PM
I checked on Billy's rockin poetry jam and it doesn't exist (DAMN!). Neither does just plain old poetryjam.blogspot.com. It may be weak, but it would have been SO COOL if it had existed. Hehehe
By
Jen, at
4/27/2006 1:03 PM
Any new Jennews? I'm kinda jonesing. (Is that how it's spelled? Jonesing? Looks kinda wierd but I can't think of an alternate version. I suppose it's kinda good that I don't know anyone who could give me the spelling they use in their regular e-mails to their dealer... :-)
By
Anonymous, at
5/02/2006 2:20 PM
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