Complaint Alert
I had a mopey day today. My mom helped me strip and make my bed before my nap and I started crying. Its usually a key that I'm dehydrated but I think I'm doing okay (I got fluids on thursday). Its just difficult to always have something wrong with me. I suppose I'll never be "normal" again, and when I think of that, its kind of depressing.I was reading a great book by Ruth Reichl as she described what it was like to be a NYTimes food critic. How I'd love that job. But I couldn't, because I could never eat all the food required to evaluate. I intend to go back to Johnson & Wales next year to resume my culinary classes (I'll have to get a whole new chef's uniform, the old one won't fit anymore!) and I'd love to go now but I couldn't do it. I want to sign up with my friends for a wine tasting class after work but I don't know if I can pull it off. I feel like I'm barely at work because I'm always leaving early feeling shitty, or leaving to go to Dana Farber. My stomach hurts the entire time. And when it starts to feel good, its time to eat again. And today, I just started to cry about it. It's very "poor me" and ridiculous because so many people are sooo much worse off. Its hard to be sick and tired all the time. ALL THE TIME. FOR A YEAR, PEOPLE. I'm having trouble getting things done. You noticed above that I can't make my bed on my own. Well, that's why I'm still with my parents.
Can you go home and do grocery shopping and vaccuum and do your laundry and... "No." That's why I'm not back in my condo yet. I can't do any of those things. If I wasn't anemic I might feel better. If I just had chemo fatigue to deal with, I'd probably be able to fight more, but I just really honestly can't.
And I walked into Target tonight rubbing my stomach without even realizing it until my mom pointed it out. I know pregnant ladies absent-mindedly rub their bellies, but it looks pretty ridiculous on me.
I guess I'm having a hard time adjusting to the new normal. Working full time is really hard for me, and I feel like a lousy employee, as I'm always leaving or late for one health reason or another. Eating hurts, I'm physically exhausted... and then I have to deal with life. Bills, problems, etc just like everyone else. My job has become very customer service where the lawyers complain about the clients and the clients complain about the lawyers and I have to listen to everyone bitch and I DON'T CARE. Its all so insignificant. You know, you're bitching to me about a font? Who the F do you think you are? There are people in Dana Farber a few blocks from here DYING and you're pissed about a font? And you want me to do something about it? I DON'T CARE. My bosses say I'm too nice to the clients who bitch, but I won't admit to them its just to keep me from killing the clients outright...
posted by Jen at
8:37 PM
8 comment(s):
Damn it! Enough of your font bashing!
(Sorry, the rest of what you said rings too true for words but I figured you were better off with a silly Dan response than one that acknowledged how tough all this is for you - for fear it would make you feel worse rather than better. Hang in there, Wonder Twin)
...And don't you ever - EVER disparage a font again!!!!!
By
Anonymous, at
9/05/2006 9:45 AM
Oh Jen, . . . It must be very frustrating to be tired and sick 24/7; and I know it has been over a year. . . On the plus side, you do have your very supportive parents, you are able to (amazingly) function at work, and you are blessed with a fabulous sense of humor.
Just try to keep all those things in mind while arguing about such ridiculous things as the size of the font!!! Thinking of you and wishing better days ahead. Just think, fall and your birthday are just around the corner! Love, Kelly
By
Anonymous, at
9/06/2006 6:07 AM
#1 - Stop apologizing! Your ordeal is not over because the cancer is gone. You still have the after effects to deal with (mind & body).
#2 - Is there any way you can legally go back to a 1/2 or part-time status? Doctor's note maybe? It was really brave of you to try to get back into the 9-5 swing, but those doctors had NO business giving you the 'OK' signal. I'm just a bit worried that you will over-do it.
#3 - To H@#$ with those fonts! Yeah!! I work in product development and when looking at a marketing piece, we hear 'the font size of the disclosure must be the same size as the rest of the text...blah, blah, blah' You tell those fonts where to go!
By
Anonymous, at
9/06/2006 1:33 PM
Hey Jen,
Rest as much as you want, you deserve it and forget about those fonts - let them figure it out! It can't be that hard! Can't wait to see you next week on Long Island. Interested in visiting some wineries! They said to drink when you are dehydrated didn't they - does red wine count??? I bet it's good for anemia, too!
Love,
Jeanne
By
Anonymous, at
9/07/2006 8:11 PM
Jenn - Try not to be so hard on yourself. Yes, you survived this (thank God) and, yes, other people are going through worse things. However, this is your own little hell and when the pain is yours, you feel it more intensely - even if you can acknowledge and recognize that it isn't as bad as what someone else may be going through.
I had to laugh about your font size stuff. Chris and I felt similarly when we came back to work after Lauren died. People are getting all worked up about all this stupid BS - really nonsense - and our perspective was "Our daughter just died. Do you really think this matters or that we're going to get excited about this?" I guess a personal tragedy is a good thing for perspective (probably the only thing it's good for).
Take care of yourself!
By
Anonymous, at
9/13/2006 8:08 AM
Sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. I hope things turn around soon!
From, another young cancer survivor
By
Anonymous, at
9/15/2006 11:26 PM
As much as this might just be a blog to you - it encouraged me. I just got diagnosed with colon cancer at age 24 and am trying to keep a full-time job. I start chemo in about a week (had surprise surgery that started this whole thing off a few weeks ago)...seems like it's just the beginning. But yeah, feeling tired all the time...I just feel it part of the time and I HATE feeling like I can't do things on my own - it's horrible...
By
Anonymous, at
9/24/2006 5:06 AM
As I see it on the font matter, this whole experience has allowed you to "get it." You "get it" more than the average person as far as what is important in life and this world and what isn't. Consider it a state of enlightenment. Being in such a state means you're just plain smarter than other people and man, that takes patience. No, I do not know this from experience (other than dealing with a 4 & 2 year old all day) but it's something my grandmother always says. If you are really smart you need a lot of patience to deal with those that are not.
Wow, I never have any kind of insight on anything. I've started to think my brain has gone useless due to motherhood but hey, I think I have a valid point here. Don't I?
Jen S = smart & enlightened
lawyers & others w/ font issues = dummies who do not "get it"
So I guess the answer is to pray for patience, right?
Hang in there!
Thinking of you all the time.
Jenn Crane
By
Anonymous, at
10/03/2006 2:12 PM
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