jenny's belly

Monday, July 14, 2008

Tony Snow

Its been a very, very difficult weekend for me. Lots of emotional setbacks. I wasn't able to do anything at the condo because I basically imploded.
Tony Snow got cancer about the same time I did, and his upbeat personality really helped showed me the way to handle it. And he helped me make the decision to share everything about what I was going through. When his cancer came back, I was hit hard. I was at work when I found out, and I had to leave for awhile. I went to church. Which was the first time I'd been to church during my whole cancer...uh, whatever you call it. I wrote a poem, which is not me at all. I was a wreck for a few days, until I realized I was handling it worse than Tony himself. Then I cooled off, remembered to keep living as usual as best I could, and eventually stopped worrying.
His death somehow took some hope away. That's the best way I can describe it. Having hope is the one thing that keeps a cancer survivor going, and I know Tony would be mad at me for feeling this way if he even knew I was alive. A lot of people latch on to Lance Armstrong. I'm sure there's a stand-out breast cancer survivor I haven't noticed. Just its my opinion cancer survivors have mentors. Someone who reminds them they can fight and when there's no recurrance, to just live their lives in every moment. When you've faced mortality as a definite thing, not as something hazy in the future, your life changes.
I actually thought at one point "Well, I never got married but I guess I had a good run." I remember thinking of all the things I'd wanted to do "someday" but wouldn't get the chance to do it. Unless you've been told you have cancer, I think maybe you just can't understand, but that's okay. I'd rather you weren't told those words.
And there's just no way to get back to the way things were. I try hard to do things I want to do and avoid things I don't want to do. But I have a scan coming up in a few weeks and I'm awfully tired so its scary. Maybe its nothing. But "maybe it ISN'T nothing" is always there, just below the surface.
I can't watch any coverage of Tony's death. I wasn't able to be alone yesterday, but I'm alone now and doing okay. Still emotional, but not as anxious. Not all cancer survivors are rocks. You can't will yourself through it. Its the luck of the draw, and you do your best. Sometimes are harder than others.
I'll be okay. :)