jenny's belly

Monday, September 04, 2006

Complaint Alert

I had a mopey day today. My mom helped me strip and make my bed before my nap and I started crying. Its usually a key that I'm dehydrated but I think I'm doing okay (I got fluids on thursday). Its just difficult to always have something wrong with me. I suppose I'll never be "normal" again, and when I think of that, its kind of depressing.

I was reading a great book by Ruth Reichl as she described what it was like to be a NYTimes food critic. How I'd love that job. But I couldn't, because I could never eat all the food required to evaluate. I intend to go back to Johnson & Wales next year to resume my culinary classes (I'll have to get a whole new chef's uniform, the old one won't fit anymore!) and I'd love to go now but I couldn't do it. I want to sign up with my friends for a wine tasting class after work but I don't know if I can pull it off. I feel like I'm barely at work because I'm always leaving early feeling shitty, or leaving to go to Dana Farber. My stomach hurts the entire time. And when it starts to feel good, its time to eat again. And today, I just started to cry about it. It's very "poor me" and ridiculous because so many people are sooo much worse off. Its hard to be sick and tired all the time. ALL THE TIME. FOR A YEAR, PEOPLE. I'm having trouble getting things done. You noticed above that I can't make my bed on my own. Well, that's why I'm still with my parents.

Can you go home and do grocery shopping and vaccuum and do your laundry and... "No." That's why I'm not back in my condo yet. I can't do any of those things. If I wasn't anemic I might feel better. If I just had chemo fatigue to deal with, I'd probably be able to fight more, but I just really honestly can't.

And I walked into Target tonight rubbing my stomach without even realizing it until my mom pointed it out. I know pregnant ladies absent-mindedly rub their bellies, but it looks pretty ridiculous on me.

I guess I'm having a hard time adjusting to the new normal. Working full time is really hard for me, and I feel like a lousy employee, as I'm always leaving or late for one health reason or another. Eating hurts, I'm physically exhausted... and then I have to deal with life. Bills, problems, etc just like everyone else. My job has become very customer service where the lawyers complain about the clients and the clients complain about the lawyers and I have to listen to everyone bitch and I DON'T CARE. Its all so insignificant. You know, you're bitching to me about a font? Who the F do you think you are? There are people in Dana Farber a few blocks from here DYING and you're pissed about a font? And you want me to do something about it? I DON'T CARE. My bosses say I'm too nice to the clients who bitch, but I won't admit to them its just to keep me from killing the clients outright...